That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize