What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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