i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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