They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
