bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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