I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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