My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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