Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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