I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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