Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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