so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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