The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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