you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
