She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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