Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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