census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
