so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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