I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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