I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
