I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
