Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
