drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
