I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
