we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
