there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
