I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
