I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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