We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
