nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
