he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just puked most of my soul out..
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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