Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
