Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
