none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
