Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
