my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
