you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
