you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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