so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
