Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
