I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
