an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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