Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
