The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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