How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
