I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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