If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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