my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
