she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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