Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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