My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
