remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
