my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
