I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
MIDGETS
????
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
