I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
