Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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