I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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