We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
