i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
