My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i drank out of a bidet.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
