talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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