im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize