He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
