The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My bed smells like the plague
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
