apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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